Am i hoping for the future or am i saying goodbye?

i think you're being into that. your whole world revolves on him. but i don't think that's good. i think it's time to move on. your life might have revolved on him once, but maybe his death is a good chance for you to look at life's good side. as the saying goes, everything has a reason. and you should go on to find the real reason why it happened. stay happy.